What Does It Mean to Truly Lead?

Some leaders build from vision. Others build from grit. But the leaders people remember, the ones worth following, are the ones who have done the hard work of transformation.

In this reflection, Dr. Tom Nebel, founding partner and executive chairman of Leaders Rising Network, shares how his leadership evolved from drive and defiance to presence and purpose. It is a journey that touches entrepreneurial hustle, personal breakdown, and the quiet, liberating work of rebuilding relationships.

This is the real work of becoming the kind of leader others trust: not for your position, but for how they experience you.

Early Leadership: Formed by Resistance, Fueled by Belief

As a child, Tom pushed boundaries. He remembers throwing a fire truck into the gutter and refusing to retrieve it when asked. Later, he recalls telling a classmate in parochial school that he wanted to be a priest, just so he could “talk in church.” That tension between defiance and desire became a throughline in Tom’s leadership.

Raised in a family of entrepreneurs, starting things was in his DNA. But as Tom moved into ministry and organizational leadership, he began to confront the cost of going first: the pressure, the exposure, and the unhealed parts of himself that leadership always seems to surface.

In his words, “You start anything from scratch, and it’s going to pull the insecurities right out of you.”

Hitting the Wall and Rebuilding the Foundation

After decades of leading from the front, writing books, and launching systems for church growth, Tom experienced personal upheaval. His marriage ended, and with it came an invitation, and a challenge, to reimagine what leadership really looks like.

That is when the frameworks changed everything.

Through his connection with the GiANT network and the early shaping of Leaders Rising, Tom discovered tools that offered not just insight but healing. The Support Challenge Matrix gave him language for understanding how others experienced him. The 5 Gears framework helped him repair a strained relationship with his son by giving them a shared language for presence and intention.

Founding Leaders Rising: A Vision for Liberating Cultures

From that space of vulnerability and vision, Leaders Rising Network was born. For Tom, it was never about building another company. It was about multiplying a movement, one where people are not just developed, they are liberated.

Liberation, as Tom describes it, happens when leaders bring both support and challenge, and do so in a way that others know they are for them. It is calibrated and intentional, anchored in relationship.

That is what Leaders Rising does: it equips growth-stage companies to build cultures where people thrive, tools are practical, and transformation is personal.

Resources Mentioned

• Support Challenge Matrix Scatterplot Exercise Guide: reflect on your leadership and invite feedback using the Support Challenge Matrix.

Download the Scatterplot Exercise (no email necessary, just click for the PDF).

Key Quotes

“Your scars will tell better stories than your trophies.”

Dr. Tom Nebel

“Liberation happens when someone brings support and challenge. And you know they’re for you.”

Dr. Tom Nebel

One Bold Step for Leaders

Toward the end of the conversation, Tom offered a challenge that could change how you lead in about 30 minutes.

Do a scatterplot of your leadership.

Take the Support Challenge Matrix and reflect on how you show up with the key people in your life: team members, direct reports, your spouse, your kids. Where do you land? Do you over-support? Over-challenge? Abdicate? Dominate?

Then, if you are brave enough, ask someone you trust to place you on the matrix.

Don’t defend. Just listen. And let their honesty liberate you.