What Does It Mean to Truly Lead?
Some leaders build from vision. Others build from grit. But the leaders people remember — the ones worth following — are the ones who’ve done the hard work of transformation.
In this powerful reflection, Dr. Tom Nebel, founding partner and executive chairman of Leaders Rising Network, shares the story of how his leadership evolved from drive and defiance to presence and purpose. It’s a journey that touches entrepreneurial hustle, personal breakdown, and the quiet, liberating work of rebuilding relationships.
This isn’t a highlight reel. It’s the real work of becoming the kind of leader others trust — not because of your position, but because of how they experience you.
Early Leadership: Formed by Resistance, Fueled by Belief
As a child, Tom pushed boundaries. He remembers throwing a fire truck into the gutter and refusing to retrieve it when asked. Later, he recalls telling a classmate in parochial school that he wanted to be a priest — just so he could “talk in church.” That tension between defiance and desire became a throughline in Tom’s leadership.
Raised in a family of entrepreneurs, starting things was in his DNA. But as Tom moved into ministry and organizational leadership, he began to confront the cost of going first: the pressure, the exposure, and the unhealed parts of himself that leadership always seems to surface.
In his words, “You start anything from scratch, and it’s going to pull the insecurities right out of you.”
Hitting the Wall and Rebuilding the Foundation
After decades of leading from the front, writing books, and launching systems for church growth, Tom experienced personal upheaval. His marriage ended, and with it came an invitation — and a challenge — to reimagine what leadership really looks like.
Enter a new kind of framework.
Through his connection with the GiANT network and the early shaping of Leaders Rising, Tom discovered tools that offered not just insight, but healing. The Support Challenge Matrix gave him language for understanding how others experienced him. The 5 Gears framework helped him repair a strained relationship with his son by giving them a shared language for presence and intention.
“We didn’t just fix the relationship,” Tom reflects. “The tools gave us a way to finally have one.”
Founding Leaders Rising: A Vision for Liberating Cultures
From that space of vulnerability and vision, Leaders Rising Network was born. For Tom, it wasn’t about building another company. It was about multiplying a movement — one where people aren’t just developed, they’re liberated.
Liberation, as Tom describes it, happens when leaders bring both support and challenge, and do so in a way that others know they are for them. It’s not soft leadership, and it’s not domineering. It’s calibrated, intentional, and anchored in relationship.
That’s what Leaders Rising does: equips growth-stage companies to build cultures where people thrive, tools are practical, and transformation is personal.
Resources Mentioned
- Support Challenge Matrix Scatterplot Exercise Guide
Reflect on your leadership and invite feedback using the Support Challenge Matrix
Key Quotes
“Your scars will tell better stories than your trophies.”
— Dr. Tom Nebel
“Liberation happens when someone brings support and challenge. And you know they’re for you.”
— Dr. Tom Nebel
“We didn’t just fix the relationship. The tools gave us a way to finally have one.”
— Dr. Tom Nebel
One Bold Step for Leaders
Toward the end of the conversation, Tom offered a challenge — one that could change how you lead in just 30 minutes.
Do a scatterplot of your leadership.
Take the Support Challenge Matrix and reflect on how you show up with key people in your life: team members, direct reports, your spouse, your kids. Where do you land — do you over-support? Over-challenge? Abdicate? Dominate?
Then, if you’re brave enough, ask someone you trust to place you on the matrix.
Don’t defend. Just listen. And let their honesty liberate you.
